Please accept this letter as my notice of resignation, effective immediately.
This was an easy decision to make. I have spent too many of my years mindlessly wandering malls looking for the perfect gift for that special relative I see maybe one, maybe four, times a year. After very little consideration, I have decided to ignore your Black Friday sales, your Christmas specials, your post-Christmas blowouts and anything else associated with the season. Why? Let me count the reasons:
- The hundreds of “valued customer” emails I receive that are obviously cranked out by some mindless computer with no special thought that I now have to sift through.
- The mindless idiots who hold up thirty cars waiting for one parking spot to open up when another spot two cars earlier would have been much faster for everyone involved.
- The throngs of shoppers who go as a group and use blocking aisles as a social event for themselves.
- The extremely narrow aisles at stores that just aggravate #3, above.
- The store managers who place interesting items at the end of these narrow aisles so #3 and #4 are more likely to occur.
- The other store managers who don’t manage checkout properly so standing in the wrong line is a penalty. (Bed, Bath and Beyond, I’m talking about you.)
- The seasonal employees who offer to help, but then when asked a simple question respond with “Let me go check with my manager.”
- The [bleeping] teenager on her cell phone who didn’t notice my car and narrowly avoided hitting me, and whose slamming on the brakes scared the [bleep] out of everyone behind her.
- The other [bleeping] teenager on her phone who did hit someone while backing out of her parking space!
- The many Goodwill, Teen Rescue and others who further block and mug shoppers trying to get in and out of stores.
- The traffic.
- The stress of unrealistic expectations.
- And I’ll say it, some of the oft-repeated Christmas music barely qualifies as music. It’s so bad it deserves a place on the Gong Show.
So there you have it – A baker’s dozen reasons why I no longer want to play. Call me a Grinch - I might actually be proud of it – But I’m sitting the next one out. And the one after that. And so on. I quit and there’s no amount of money or perks that will get me to reconsider.
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. “
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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman
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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright
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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke
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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this … A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”